NO

No. How do you react to a NO?
I do not like that word. I am absolutely sure that if God were not in my life, my life would be a total disaster by now...I mean real disaster. Yes my life seems to be a disaster now, BUT it is only apparent and temporary. My life is full and good.
I have been more like a wild horse, the kind that will not allow anybody to tame it. The only one that has been allowed to tame me and to ride me- has been God. But if I plan to work as a team with human beings then I have to learn to have authorities over me. And that can be sooooooooooooooooooooooo hard! Specially when they say NO.

Well, this was one of the things I experimented this month.
So, suddenly there is this guy in front of me talking to me about how much he loves my parents and then speaks about how much he loved me 23 years ago. Can you imagine the effect of such a conversation?
I arrived home and I was nervous. I knew I could open my heart to romance and evertything would move into a totally different dimension...I did not know what to do. So I searched a friend. This specific friend is older than I, she loves me lots and spends real time with God. So I see her counsel as one worthy of listening to...usually...she has several times rebuked my behaviour and she has also been a strong confort in other situations.
So I go into the chat (which I hardly ever do...) and she was in!!!!!! God is so good!
So I tell her a bit about this guy.
And she reacted in a ....mmmm....searching for an adjective....perhaps beautiful would be good...it was beautiful....but it was more like panic... I mean she just got so wild. 100 words per minute type of conversation....if she had been here she would have probably taken me by the shoulders and shaken me....
from time to time I got a smile on my face at her reaction.
It was so gull of love and care and longing to protect me.
But the battle was real...I mean that moment I had been struck with the idea "I should have married this guy!" and of course it was only a step from turning into "I will not lose this type of love...I will go for this guy now!" (he is single)
So hearing a NO was not easy. I mean she did not even let me tell her how sweet he is and how we once had been such good friends and how he is in the ministry....I could have given her all the right justifications in order to change her mind...but she would not listen.
As we spoke...more she than me....I was faced with a decision. I could tell her "I know you love me and you are reacting in love. But you are wrong by saying that this guy is not THE guy. I will therefore ignore your council".
But in the midst of it I remembered how many times I have reacted in the same way with the people I council and love and pray for. I remembered how my spirit would be unsettled sometimes for not very evident reasons, just unsettled. Just something saying NO. Deep in my heart.
I remembered how often I could see what God was kneating something and then because people got impatient and decided to do things their own way (often finding very creative ways to justify their disobedience)
I remembered the pain I felt when people would not consider my words seriously enough. The frustration of caring for a person, keeping such a person in prayer, in caring for this person, enjoying the beauty of seeing this person slowly recovering and getting on their feet again....and then in a moment they would throw it all down the drain for some stupid reason. Of course for them it was not stupid. For them it was the right thing and the right time and the right project and the right answer from God....

And that thought made me smash on the breaks. Full stop. Ice water over all my romantic emotions.

I am sure that many of you are reacting with anget toward this woman who counciled me in such a way. Many others are questioning the whole situation. Why listen to someone who does not even know the guy? and Hadn't God spoken to me on marriage a time back? I mean, hasn't He been the one insisting on the subject of the beauty of marriage? and How can we be sure that this was not THE guy? What is we lost the chance and then nobody else shows up? then what? will we blame God for not fullfilling His promise when it was our mistake for not grasping the opportunity?

All those questions went by my head, but they seemed to lose their weight before the remberance of my own experience when I have given council and people have not listened to it....all those questions just melted before one thought "God is stirring her heart, He is making her uneasy for some reason...I better slow down."

And I did.
And I am glad I did.
By doing so, by asking this guy to remain at a distance and by his accepting to do so I walked into deep restoration of my woman's heart and recieved a fresh impartation of strenght to be a woman in a fallen world.

His acceptance of my decision to remain distant, was one of the most beautiful symphonies I have ever heard.
His respect for my will showered me with honor which has softened my heart and fed many woman like seeds in it that had been waiting for that kind of water in order to sprout forth.
His taking a NO for an answer has covered me with a stong message of dignity. He has clearly stated "you are a person whose opinion I chose to honor because you are worthy of such honor"

I have been able to taste love in its true form:
love does not think of oneself.

I could have missed out on all this beauty by rejecting my friend's council.

And as I delight in all this beauty I cannot but ponder on the beauty of obedience to God. In our obedience we cover Him with true honor and dignity. When we chose to respect His will we are stating just that "You are one whose opinion I chose to honor because You are worthy of such honor."

and even more so, in our obedience, true love is exposed:
love does not think of oneself.

and thus ...isn't obedience the true way to worship God?

Abimelec

I kind of wanted to put the name of the guy of whom I will be talking about, but then again perhaps he would not apreciate it all that much, so I will call him Abimelec. Choosing this name since this king vindicated Sarah with one thousand silver coins. (read the story in Genesis 20:16)

But lets begin the story at the beginning.
First day of class I walk in school and discover that a guy that had hurt me 23 years ago was going to be one of my teachers.
We had been friends and then he started to hint that he would like our friendship to develop into something else. I did not want to be his girlfriend. In fact I did not want to be anybody's girlfriend. I truly believe that dating is for marriage purposes. I did not want to get married then. So I tried to cool the relationship down and I did my best to discourage him.
Then came the day when he had to leave the city. And he came by to say good bye. And he kissed me without my consent. No, he did not rape me. But he did hurt me. I felt that he had taken advantage of his size and strenght to satisfy his desire. And that really hurt me. I could see pain in his eyes, but I strongly suspect it was more out of my rejection than of feeling bad for me.

So you can imagine how hard it was to find him again and in this situation. Most uncomfortable. First day was the worst. We kind of avoided each other. Then came the time for this class. And since I am punctual I walk in on time...nobody else there. EXTREME tension. I managed to say something stupid like "I hadn't recognized you" and he answered with something even more stupid like "really?" and I stammered something like "well you now have a beard and gray hair" and he answered "well time does take its toll" finally somebody else walked into class.
I arrived home confused and hurting. I had not realized how much that event had hurt me. I started to pray asking God for healing and for wisdomw to handle the situation. The first week I basicly avoided him. Everything was tense. Then on the weekend God poured deep healing and I was able to forgive him and to set him free
Because of this and because my mom was missing his calling her. (he was my parents disciple) I took courage to talk to him and to tell him that my mom was expecting his call and that it would be a good idea for him to call her. I knew he hadn't because of "our" situation.
So days go by. Distance kept. I feel comfortable enough to enjoy my classmates and to be myself. I do continue to keep him at a distance....until one day at the end of class he walks into my classroom and says "I invited your mom out for coffee, told her I would pick her up after class...but I do not know how to get to your house, can I go with you?" gulp. I agreed.
We took the bus and luckly other students were on the bus so I did not have to sit with him. Then we had to walk several blocks to my house. Ususally I think it is a fast walk. That day it seemed like for ever before we got home. But on the way he managed to go into the subject of "that" summer.
He started by asking me if I had kept in touch with any of the other people and then he told me about the ones he had kept in touch with. And then he went on to saying something like "when I saw your name on the list I really started to think of how one should be much more careful with what one does..." he did not say the words "I am sorry" but I took it as an apology. Then he went to say "well, It is not that I do not try to do things right, but sometimes things are stronger than one..." and then I decided to change the subject. I had his apologies and that was enough. Why did I change the subject? Well, because I was reminded that he had been in love with me....somehow the way he said those words made a conection between his actions and his feeling in my mind.
And I felt my heart fill with compassion...poor guy. Must have been hard.

Finally got home and I went onto doing my homework while mom went out with him for a cup of coffee. Despite the fact that he had apologized I continued to keep my distance. One day he sat at the same table I was sitting at during lunch. The topic became a bit polemical. And everybody got up and left. Not all at once, but it was very evident that it was as a result of the converstaion that everyone chose to do homework or something of the sort... I was hurt by the fact that he also got up and left. He was my parents disciple. Shouldn't he had backed me up?
I wrote to him a letter saying so.
Next day he asked me to have a talk. And he said something like "you sound so much like your dad" and I could feel his love for my dad. And then he went back to 23 years ago. "Remember your report on that mission trip?" (I didn't) "You pointed out that the pastor's wife spent time watching tv." and as he went on speaking...I began to see that he had deeply loved me.

After that I decided to keep him at a distance again. ja ja ja.
Poor guy.
I could tell that he was puzzled by my cold front again. Thing is this time I chose to move back because I felt my own heart being moved by the words that he spoke with so much love. I got scared. And as talked to a friend on the subject she told me "Bea, you have paid a high price to get to the place where you are. Do not be a fool. Get focused!" I will talk in more detail on this later. But I chose to obey and continued to keep clear. But since he was confused by my reaction. So I wrote and explained that I had forgiven him and that I thought he was a neat guy. But that I chose to back away because I did not want to fall in love with him.
He was real cool and respected my decision. As the days went by I felt deep healing. By his acceptence he was covering me with honor. He was saying "your opinion is important, so important that I shall respect you." wow
Then yesterday, last day of class, at the end of class he asked me to speak to me for 5 minutes. And he told me "I had not realized how much I had harmed you. And you say you have forgiven me, but I do not think it is right that you forgive me without truly apologizing. I want to tell you that I am sorry and I want you to forgive me."
BANG.
That was just so awesome! I managed to say that I truly had forgiven him. As we said good-by he reached out his hand. I shook it but still kept distant. As I returned home I could feel something ever so stong happening in my spirit, in my heart...in my woman's heart. Strong shower of honor and dignity. That is the best way to describe what I felt and as a result strenght came into my heart. Strength to be a woman and to enjoy being a woman.
As most women, I have had a hard time enjoying the fact that I am a woman. I have been dishonored in so many ways and in so many occasions that it is hard to see womanhood as something worthwhile having.
Now this man comes and apologizes. And I feel totally showered by honor, dignity and respect. And today I wake up feeling that being fragile is part of womanhood, but men can protect it and care for it...it they choose to do so. And it does not require all that much for them to do so. Yes, God's plan is Good.

Today I gave him another letter. A small note that said that I really appreciated his having honored me. I kept my distance during all the ceremony, but as I was about to leave he walked up to me and asked me to please say good-bye. We hugged good-bye. (mexican style). And it was a clean and pure hug.
It was good.
It was a hard month. But this is one of the memories I will keep close at hand. It is possible for men to honor women. And when done, women can relax and be fragile, and be women. Without fear of being used in anyway.
I think this is what God had in mind when he spoke of "your husband shall edify you"
It should be like this. And it is possible.

No I am not saying this guy will be my husband. We just got things straightened up. What I am saying is that my eyes were opened to the beauty of a man honoring a woman. Not only because it is "nice" but because of the effect that it has on the woman herself. Teh beauty of being able to say "being a woman is nice, I do not have to fear, this guy will care for me. He will not take advantage of me."
This is the way it should be.
This was God's intention.
This is why He saw Adam and Eve and said: it is good.

July

July was much more intense than I had ever imagined it would be so.
Since I applied for an intensive course in linguistics I thought that it would be nice and smooth, just sitting in class and enjoying the lessons.
Once more my plans have proved to be different than God´s plans.
It turned out to be a testing month.
Yes, I did receive linguistic lessons.
Yes, I did receive healing.
Yes, I got some life lessons.
But most of all I felt God was testing me...all the time

In my linguistic course I passed with an average of 9.2, 10 being the highest score. Not bad, huh?
I am not sure what my score was in my spiritual tests,. but I also passed!!!

Today we celebrated a graduation ceremony for the course.
Simultaneously I could feel that there was a graduation ceremony in heaven.

So I graduate and I knwo I am thrown out of collegue....now what?
I do not know.

One of the teachers asked me, "So what is next? What will you be doing now?"
I looked at her, smiled and simply answered "I have no idea."
She was quite surprised with the answer.
Who wouldn´t be?
But it is my answer. I have this strong feeling that my resting time is up. Please do keep me in your prayers as I begin to seek God´s instructions to what to do next.

BUT before I move into the next season, I do want to share some of the things I experienced this month. Some are very special.
I hope you enjoy this letters, and I hope you are allured into walking in God's way for you.

With love,
Bea Gasca