Kondik

There was a woman taking the course that was from Serbia. She no longer lives there. She left after the war.
She caused a deep impression.
She had the strength of those who have survived a war, she also had the wounds of those who have survived a war.
Even now something very deep happens in my heart as I sit down and remember her.
I remember seeing her ever so fragil as she tried to find a room in which to stay. And not being capable of thinking clearly enough to do it on her own. So I helped her find a room.
I remember that when I would hug her, she would accept it. I do not know if you know what I mean, but there are people who you hug and grow tense, some because of their culture, others because of the pain they have gone through. This woman accepted my hugs and care despite the culture and the wounds.
I was impressed by her bright mind. She knew several languages and liked philosophy. When we spoke on subjects such as justice I was able to recieve the perfume of speaking with one that knows what he is talking about. Most interesting.

Impressed, yes that is the word. I continue to be impressed. She gave me a box of chocolates to thank me for my attentions. She also called me from the airport to say good-bye and once more to thank me for helping her. "please write, you have my address"...but up to today I have not written her.

Why?
Because she confronts me like few people have confronted me. Not with words but with her life. In the midst of her brokeness, sin and grief. And without proffesing to know or love Jesus, she is capable of receiving and showing love.

I observed her a lot.

There are details that speak more than a thousand words. In the group there were several indians. And there was also a large number of student who stated were christians and were taking the course to prepare to be missionaries. In this last group there were those who avoided contact with the indians which of course made anybody wonder on thier call as missionaries...BUT this woman, that does not follow God became their friend
She honestly respected them and one could clearly see that she did not see them as an inferior class.

She has such a clear vision of what life is really about.

I went with her to visit an indian family.
I observed her.
Not once did I see the things I often see in people when visiting indians. No judging, no "This is dirty I do not want to sit here"... she could have been sitting in a fancy restaurant. Such was her reaction. Relaxed and happy to be there. Talking about everything and laughing with them all...what a beautiful sight.

I observed her and felt confronted.
How is it that a person that is broken and deeply hurt by a war manages to love?

Ok, I must add that she also knows how to hate, and be bitter. There was a problem and I could see that side of her too. But that part does not confront me. What confronts me is the fact that she has managed to get up from the brokeness and has managed to move on to a certain extent...without God... and I think "I have God, shouldn't my portion of being loving and humble be much higher than hers? what am I doing wrong?"
I know the answer, I have fought with God too much, too long. Wasted too many years not allowing Him to deal with the sin in my heart...such a sad story...such a sad song to be sung.

God please give me a new heart, please give me a new song.

Edna Headland

Edna was my teacher of Cultural Emphaty. This is her real name, I do not think she will mind my stating her name.
Cultural Emphaty is a tough class. It is not heavy intellectually speaking, I think it is heavy emotionally wise. Because it confronts you a lot. It makes you think a lot on your own behaviour, your pride and arrogance. "My culture is the best, everybody else is some sort of sub-human" this is something we kind of all have. Some don't even attempt to hide it, others live trying to hide it but not really uprooting this arrogant attitude.
It is real difficult to see beyond ourselves. We are extremely self oriented. I grew up in a house were differences were always spoken off and we were thaught that all humans are alike. We heard a lot on the concept of cultural differences. Acceptance, respect, giving people a human value no matter what they did... these kind of ideas were about me all the time. So the ideaswere not new.
And yes, to a point I think I have managed to live these concepts to a point...but only to a point and once more how hard it is to hear God asking you "why do you continue to hang on to this arrogant attitude in your heart?" How hard it is to stop and analyze your heart and let God just show you all the muck inside.
My stomach turns even at the thought of the stench that comes from my heart.
Going into Edna's class was hard for me. I told her so from the very start. She was brave enough to hear me and to stand by my side. How nice to have a loving soul by your side as God literally yancks off your masks. How important to have a loving hand hold yours and encourage you with words of hope and of love "God is making you into a new creation..." she encouraged me, but she did not soften reallity. She never said "do not exagerate, you are ok" I liked that, if she had said something like that I would have closed my heart to her encouragement. She confronted me, she called my sin: sin. Straight to my face she declared the truth, she did not hide it. I liked that. And when I confessed my sin and my pain then and only then did she speak with encouragement and with love.
I hope to get there someday. I hope to learn to do so...
Edna and I became friends. In a very soft and unexpected way. I like it when it works out this way. I like things that move gently, I guess.
But today I wake up thinking of her, and how hard it is to teach her subject and how much strenght it takes. Inner strength that is. You see I took some of the material she gave us to teach this last weekend. It was a two day intensive course where students wanted to practice their English. I had to plan activieties in order for them to practice. And on Friday I worked with some of her material.
HARD.
Believe me, it was hard. The tension of questioning is not easy to handle. A total stranger questioning your own values and asking you why you think your values are better than others...hard. Real hard
How hard? Well I fell asleep at 9:00 at night... in the same cabin where the rest of the group was partying!!! and anybody that knows me knows that I complain when my neighbors have a party because I can't sleep because of the noise.
But I was drainned. I had had to absorve the pain and the anger that everybody expressed as I kept pushing them into opening their eyes that people are people no matter what they do.
As I attempted to help them understand the shock other people suffer when they see our behaviour as mexicans I talked on the ways things are done in other cultures. But I used dramatic examples. They could not believe that other people would really be shocked with our reactions in the same way, because "we are not as bad as the people who you are talking about"
I talked about the Sawi and how they valued treason, on how when they heard the story on Jesus being betrayed by Judas, Judas was the hero. My students could not believe such a thing. And their reaction was exactly like the reaction of others when they come to Mexico "they are uneducated... savage people...animals...non human...." these were some of the comments.
I was saddened. I was saddened because I could see my students in darkness, despite the fact that they considered themselves "educated, people and human" ...superior and better to an extent. But are we really better if we have this kind of heart towards another human being?
Are we really enlighted if we cannot see them the way God sees them?
How does God see them?
Exactly the same way He sees us. Sinners in need of a saviour. But beautiful sinners. God manages to see past our ugliness, our stench, our darkened soul, our stupidity (which is large) and He loves our smile, our laughter, our songs and our dances. He likes to listen to our dreams, and likes to see us swim. God loves to watch us as we watch the sky for signs of rain or for a rainbow. God is God.

Then I spoke of the Uwa. On how they sacrifice their babies if they have twins for they believe they are concieved by evil spirits and they believe that if they are not killed they will bring illness and destruction to the village and the crops.
My students were even more offended. "Respect a culture that accepts such things? No!!! Only animals behave like that!"
I pressed on... "but do not we tolerate abortion? I mean, at last this people do it with the idea to bring protection to the rest of the community, and not only of mere selfishness."
Hard.

This morning I woke up thinking of the Uwa. I felt God's deep love for them. I have often heard preachers say "would you give your son for the sake of a sinner? No. I might give my life for another, but I would not give my son's life to rescue another's life."
The Uwa do it.
The way God gave up His own son to bring safety to society the Uwa give up their babies to bring safety to the community. In a way they are so much more like God than we are.
I know they have the New Testament in their language but have not open their hearts to the light in it. For they strongly believe that the rites they practice are the ones that keep humanity safe, and they strongly believe that if they should stop then humanity would perish. They have humanity's safety on their shoulders, they cannot turn to Jesus, even if their hearts call out to Him.
What a hard place for them to be in. People who are not selfish. They think not only of themselves, but of the whole humanity... so similar to God and yet being kept away from Him due to their rites.
Today I prayed for them. I prayed for mercy for the Uwa. I prayed that God would send someone that would continue the job that has been started. Someone with the right heart for them. Someone with a heart similar to God's, that will not see them like sub-humans; but that will see them with love and even with honor as they see what a special group of people they are.
And I prayed for a revival among them. I prayed that God would open their eyes to the truth, and that the same passion they have had so far for their rites will be God's and God's alone.
Today I prayed for the Uwa.
and...
Today I prayed for my own heart, for all of this reminded me that I am a sinner in need of a saviour. I am a sinner in need of a new heart. I need a new heart. One similar to the Uwa's, one that is similar to God's heart.
I need a new heart.

Most horrible exam

One of my classes was interesting. We had to learn techniques to learn a language when you do not have learning materials. For example if you are to learn english you have millions of books available. But if you want to study Totonac (an indegenous language in Mexico) you have no books available. So you find a Totonac speaker and then you have to guide him as to what you need to learn.
So the objective of the class was to learn these techniques. And in order to practice we had a Totonac person and we had to learn some Totonac. Neat.
BUT then there were exams. And one of them was horrible. The teacher, who is real nice- honestly, came up with this idea of how to test us to see if we really knew without the Totonac teacher giving us any hint what so ever of the right answer.
In a classroom there was a table with different things on the table. A chair in which I sat, giving my back to the Totonac teacher. This way he would give me instructions and I would have to obey. No other students were in the classroom. And most of the chairs had been moved aside so the classroom looked empty. Not friendly at all. My teacher was standing in front of me and taking notes on how I answered.
The tension level was real high. The first exercise was real hard. So the tension incresed even more. It was bad. I still managed to get a decent score. But I did forget many of the things I knew...I went blank. It had never happened to me before.
And just because the way God has made me and because He continues to use every small event in my life to make me sensitive to other situations...I was awakened to the reality of what it is like when people are taken to prision to be questioned. How many times people end up in jail because they got so scared that they made the wrong sentences?
That idea alone is scarey. Then I thought of people in migration offices...much the same story. The hight level of tension, so easy to make a mistake and then you lose your chance to get a visa.
But the thought that made an even bigger impact was the thought of christians who live in places where they are persecutted. I remembered hearing how they would be taken into prison and being interrogated. I felt the whole issue so real, so close... I stopped and prayed for those who were in that situation in that very same moment...and then I wondered..."how will I react in a similar situation? Will I stand firm in my confession of Christ?"
It is so easy to say yes to that question when you are in a free country and in a comfortable home...but, "Will I stand firm in my confession of Christ in a violent situation?"

I do not know. I can no longer answer with a sure "YES", not after that horrible exam, and after becoming aware of how fragile I am.

"Will I stand firm in my confession of Christ in a violent situation?" I do not know.

Song

Song was my classmate. I will use his real name because I am sure he will not mind. He is proud of who he is and of what he stands for. He is a Mixe indian. He is a teacher and loves his work and his people.
We have a lot in common. We both have seen poverty and injustice up close and have a strong desire to see justice brought forth. He is part of the guerrillas in Mexico. He does not hide this fact and he even invited me to join in. =) I smile because it is nice to know that he saw in me a potential soldier, somebody that would fight in order to bring justice.
To see him in class was a constant remainder of the need for justice and of the church's apathy in many ways to reach out and make some sort of difference in this situation.
A large part of the group were christians, most prefered to avoid him. Most were preparing for the mission field. I wonder what we think the mission field will be like. Do we really believe we will be able to make some kind of impact out there, if we do not dare draw near people like Song who question our lifestyle and beliefs?
He was not the only one that supported the guerrilla in Mexico, there were others. One of the others had a beautiful picture of the jungle in Chiapas. Several men were sitting with their guns at hand and their faces covered. That picture struck me. I will be honest and tell you that it atracted me. Yes, the guerrillas is a political movement that is corrupted and imperfect. Yet there is something that moves deeply in my heart when I consider this men, boldly stating who they are and what they believe in. Men who clearly state they are willing to die, in order to bring change to this nation. I wondered if I loved God with the same zeal.
I honestly wondered.
I asked for a copy of the picture. "Why would you want one?" was the question. "To help me remember reality" was my answer. I got the picture.

One thrusday a conference was given in the same University on the new laws that are being passed. Laws that are to protect the indigenous languages. I was doing my homework with another indigenous man, we were both having problems and trying to figure things out. Suddenly Song walked in.
"Do they really think we will believe them?" It was the look in his eyes that troubled me, not his words. I saw deep pain, I pain I understand way too well. He spoke on, I hardly heard...I thought about the many times I have seen that look and have not had an answer. Not one that is acceptable.
I looked down in shame.
No way I could preach to this guy. No way I could talk to him on God, the Bible, the justice God loves... I could not speak of them because the church has not been a reflection of God's justice. How painful to have to remain silent.
But how could I speak? We the church are the ones that can draw near God and ask Him to show us His concept of justice, and to help us implement it...we do not. We are waiting for Him to judge. Sure, he judges and sure there will be A judgement day. But aren't we supposed to be His reflection? His instruments? His hands? HIS VOICE?
Our silence condemns us.

People like Song will turn to God quickly when they see God as God, but it is time the church rises in full splendor and becomes God's voice.
It is time we face reality.

the way things really are

I am thanking God for what He has done in my life. Of course in order to do this one must see the way things really are. One must have eyes to see things the way God sees them, and this in itself is a blessing.
As usual I will share straight from my heart, but what I will share today may at moments sound vain or proud of my part. This is not the intention. I will be sharing what God has done in my life and thus He gets all, absolutly all the credit.
According to many outside standards right now I am in the failure list Yet, I sit here and think, "wow, I have so much!" Yes, there is the "I have Christ, what else can I desire?" part. But through Him and through His work in me I wake up to the fact that I am able to reach out to people in a way few are able to. It seems to me we live in an emotionally cripled society, people fearing people but needing people. And few risk their lives to actually have friends, and even smaller is the group who has many friends.
Now what has brought all of this to my mind is the fact that when I started to write my "news letters" I had a terrible time because I know what a news letter is supposed to look like. I just got one this morning, and this is what is making me think of all of this.... You mention what you have done, you mention your plans and then you mention your prayer needs, and at the bottom you include your bank account. Hoping somebody may feel led to pay for your next trip or something. Sometimes you include pictures. These can be either projecting smiles of victory, or something real strong (poverty, disaster).
As you can tell I know what a news letter is supposed to look like, with such a newsletter and the right contacts it is easier to find funding for your needs. Not 100% warrantied. People are not very willing to give their money away...but there is always some hope.
Anyhow, the thing is that God did not let me write that way. He kept telling me to be 100% honest! Agony! I had to mention my fear, my confusion, my sin, my anger and frustration toward the church....aaaagggg!!!!!
Once more I did not realize that a much bigger work was being done in me. At present I find that I can speak openly of most of my weaknesses. And I can really walk into people's hearts. My own weakness has become the key to people's hearts.
I am amazed.
I mean, in the course one teacher asked the group "why are you here?" everybody had real sharp answers. I did not. That specific day I was aware that my expectations of the course where different than reality and I was aware that God had something else in mind. I did not know why I was there. And that is what I said "I do not know why I am here"
Weakness...I felt so vulnerable. I felt the pressure of the group. I felt the pity from others- and that always bothers my ego. BUT that was the key into that teacher's heart. She started to ask me questions in the coffee breaks and as I gave her even more puzzling answers we became friends... isn't it amazing?
Through those letters and other experiences, God has torn so much of my "safety blanket"... He has yet work to do but I do see the progress, I do see that for me it is now much easier to tolerate situations in which I have no control. And in which I look like a fool.
And interesting enough I begin to feel comfortable in my weakness. I begin to see its beauty. The struggle to impress others seems to start to slowly fade away as I understand that the only one I truly need to impress is God. It is nos smooth ground, people seem to get scared or unsettled and thus get upset with someone who dares to state that money is not all to life.
I do not know about the rest of the world. But yesterday I got a challenge from God, and He simply said:
I dare you to live.
And I smiled the rest of the day. Because that is the one thing I do know how to do. I do not know how to do millions of other things. I do not know how to bake yeast bread. I do not know how to counsel with patience. I do not know how to communicate in a productive way. I do not know how to awaken the church... BUT I know how to live.
I get this mischieveous smile as I get tickeled over such a dare, and the fact that I actually can say "that is possible, I know how to do that! Of course I will continue to look like a fool to most...but I know what the real value of life is. I know the ingredients of life are love to God and love to others. And despite the fact that my love is not perfect...it is, for both God and people."
I love God and people, thus I have life.
Only God has been able to tear my stiffness out and has been able to take me to this beautiful, weak, and vulnerable spot...a spot in which love is the source of life in itself.
I am truly delighted by the work of His hands. And nowI pass the dare on to you:
DARE TO LIVE

Spider woman

I will change the names of the people I will be talking about. Today I want to share on this new friend. She is one of them people that you meet, but you seem to have known forever. In fact many people mentioned that they thought we were relatives or that they had thougth we had known eachother before.

We had never met, yet there were several factors that made our relationship strong.As a starter her aunt was once my mom's best friend. And I knew her dad, when we were young.
It was funny because even before knowing these details we just kind of had a link. It was later on that she said somthing about "my aunt is ..." and I thought "how funny!" Then as I told my mom at night she said, well then she is probably xxxx daughter.
So next morning I went in and asked her "Are you xxxx daughter?" She said "yes" and I said "No wonder!!!!"
She is just as crazy as her dad.
Crazy is an adjetive that is not 100% right. She is bold, audacious and extremely intelligent. At the same time she is fun.
We did not spend a lot of time together. We both studied each other, and we knew we were studying each other. She knew I was sooner or latter going to bring God up in the conversation, and she wanted to avoid touching the subject so we kept some distance. But I observed, and prayed, and waited for the moment...
And the moment did come.
And it was a special moment. Yes, she knows God, but can't find her place in church. Structure too stiff for her, but more than that she is also dissapointed. It has frustrated her that people speak the truth of the Bible but do not live up to it. "They worry about the superficial looks, and not about the hearts" she started and went on to say that she could see that her friends needed God but that the church would look down upon them because they wore piercings and the such...
I pushed the issue further, for we both knew this was superficial talk.Finally she said "you have no idea how hard it is to be rich. It is such a superficial world. And you have no idea how hard it is to be a true chrisitan in the midst of such a society!"
Was I supposed to crumble before her argument?
I did not. My answer was:
I pressed on....it is hard in any circle of society.
Following the one true God is hard anywhere, you will always end up being different. And the closer you draw near God the more different you will be, the lonier it will get, but it is the only thing I consider rightly labeled as life.

I could see the longing in her eyes. And I can see she is a leader.
It is one of those times that you wish you could do more..and yet you have to wait and hope that what you have done is enough.
I knew she was observing me constantly. Was she trying to see if I was for real?
I think so.
I sense this is the attitude of many nowdays. People longing for something real.

If we as a church gave less attention to activities to win people and would spend more time in allowing God to be God in our lives...I think we would soon see people turning to God.
In fact I noticed by the way she talked on her aunt (who translated the New Testament to Otomi) that her aunt is the one person she considers a real christian, and it is her testimony that gives her hope to some extent.

She seems defiant and bold and adacious, but at the same time she is extremly sweet and vulnerable.

When we said good-bye, she held me tightly and cried.

I truly feel that our relationship has just begun.

NO

No. How do you react to a NO?
I do not like that word. I am absolutely sure that if God were not in my life, my life would be a total disaster by now...I mean real disaster. Yes my life seems to be a disaster now, BUT it is only apparent and temporary. My life is full and good.
I have been more like a wild horse, the kind that will not allow anybody to tame it. The only one that has been allowed to tame me and to ride me- has been God. But if I plan to work as a team with human beings then I have to learn to have authorities over me. And that can be sooooooooooooooooooooooo hard! Specially when they say NO.

Well, this was one of the things I experimented this month.
So, suddenly there is this guy in front of me talking to me about how much he loves my parents and then speaks about how much he loved me 23 years ago. Can you imagine the effect of such a conversation?
I arrived home and I was nervous. I knew I could open my heart to romance and evertything would move into a totally different dimension...I did not know what to do. So I searched a friend. This specific friend is older than I, she loves me lots and spends real time with God. So I see her counsel as one worthy of listening to...usually...she has several times rebuked my behaviour and she has also been a strong confort in other situations.
So I go into the chat (which I hardly ever do...) and she was in!!!!!! God is so good!
So I tell her a bit about this guy.
And she reacted in a ....mmmm....searching for an adjective....perhaps beautiful would be good...it was beautiful....but it was more like panic... I mean she just got so wild. 100 words per minute type of conversation....if she had been here she would have probably taken me by the shoulders and shaken me....
from time to time I got a smile on my face at her reaction.
It was so gull of love and care and longing to protect me.
But the battle was real...I mean that moment I had been struck with the idea "I should have married this guy!" and of course it was only a step from turning into "I will not lose this type of love...I will go for this guy now!" (he is single)
So hearing a NO was not easy. I mean she did not even let me tell her how sweet he is and how we once had been such good friends and how he is in the ministry....I could have given her all the right justifications in order to change her mind...but she would not listen.
As we spoke...more she than me....I was faced with a decision. I could tell her "I know you love me and you are reacting in love. But you are wrong by saying that this guy is not THE guy. I will therefore ignore your council".
But in the midst of it I remembered how many times I have reacted in the same way with the people I council and love and pray for. I remembered how my spirit would be unsettled sometimes for not very evident reasons, just unsettled. Just something saying NO. Deep in my heart.
I remembered how often I could see what God was kneating something and then because people got impatient and decided to do things their own way (often finding very creative ways to justify their disobedience)
I remembered the pain I felt when people would not consider my words seriously enough. The frustration of caring for a person, keeping such a person in prayer, in caring for this person, enjoying the beauty of seeing this person slowly recovering and getting on their feet again....and then in a moment they would throw it all down the drain for some stupid reason. Of course for them it was not stupid. For them it was the right thing and the right time and the right project and the right answer from God....

And that thought made me smash on the breaks. Full stop. Ice water over all my romantic emotions.

I am sure that many of you are reacting with anget toward this woman who counciled me in such a way. Many others are questioning the whole situation. Why listen to someone who does not even know the guy? and Hadn't God spoken to me on marriage a time back? I mean, hasn't He been the one insisting on the subject of the beauty of marriage? and How can we be sure that this was not THE guy? What is we lost the chance and then nobody else shows up? then what? will we blame God for not fullfilling His promise when it was our mistake for not grasping the opportunity?

All those questions went by my head, but they seemed to lose their weight before the remberance of my own experience when I have given council and people have not listened to it....all those questions just melted before one thought "God is stirring her heart, He is making her uneasy for some reason...I better slow down."

And I did.
And I am glad I did.
By doing so, by asking this guy to remain at a distance and by his accepting to do so I walked into deep restoration of my woman's heart and recieved a fresh impartation of strenght to be a woman in a fallen world.

His acceptance of my decision to remain distant, was one of the most beautiful symphonies I have ever heard.
His respect for my will showered me with honor which has softened my heart and fed many woman like seeds in it that had been waiting for that kind of water in order to sprout forth.
His taking a NO for an answer has covered me with a stong message of dignity. He has clearly stated "you are a person whose opinion I chose to honor because you are worthy of such honor"

I have been able to taste love in its true form:
love does not think of oneself.

I could have missed out on all this beauty by rejecting my friend's council.

And as I delight in all this beauty I cannot but ponder on the beauty of obedience to God. In our obedience we cover Him with true honor and dignity. When we chose to respect His will we are stating just that "You are one whose opinion I chose to honor because You are worthy of such honor."

and even more so, in our obedience, true love is exposed:
love does not think of oneself.

and thus ...isn't obedience the true way to worship God?

Abimelec

I kind of wanted to put the name of the guy of whom I will be talking about, but then again perhaps he would not apreciate it all that much, so I will call him Abimelec. Choosing this name since this king vindicated Sarah with one thousand silver coins. (read the story in Genesis 20:16)

But lets begin the story at the beginning.
First day of class I walk in school and discover that a guy that had hurt me 23 years ago was going to be one of my teachers.
We had been friends and then he started to hint that he would like our friendship to develop into something else. I did not want to be his girlfriend. In fact I did not want to be anybody's girlfriend. I truly believe that dating is for marriage purposes. I did not want to get married then. So I tried to cool the relationship down and I did my best to discourage him.
Then came the day when he had to leave the city. And he came by to say good bye. And he kissed me without my consent. No, he did not rape me. But he did hurt me. I felt that he had taken advantage of his size and strenght to satisfy his desire. And that really hurt me. I could see pain in his eyes, but I strongly suspect it was more out of my rejection than of feeling bad for me.

So you can imagine how hard it was to find him again and in this situation. Most uncomfortable. First day was the worst. We kind of avoided each other. Then came the time for this class. And since I am punctual I walk in on time...nobody else there. EXTREME tension. I managed to say something stupid like "I hadn't recognized you" and he answered with something even more stupid like "really?" and I stammered something like "well you now have a beard and gray hair" and he answered "well time does take its toll" finally somebody else walked into class.
I arrived home confused and hurting. I had not realized how much that event had hurt me. I started to pray asking God for healing and for wisdomw to handle the situation. The first week I basicly avoided him. Everything was tense. Then on the weekend God poured deep healing and I was able to forgive him and to set him free
Because of this and because my mom was missing his calling her. (he was my parents disciple) I took courage to talk to him and to tell him that my mom was expecting his call and that it would be a good idea for him to call her. I knew he hadn't because of "our" situation.
So days go by. Distance kept. I feel comfortable enough to enjoy my classmates and to be myself. I do continue to keep him at a distance....until one day at the end of class he walks into my classroom and says "I invited your mom out for coffee, told her I would pick her up after class...but I do not know how to get to your house, can I go with you?" gulp. I agreed.
We took the bus and luckly other students were on the bus so I did not have to sit with him. Then we had to walk several blocks to my house. Ususally I think it is a fast walk. That day it seemed like for ever before we got home. But on the way he managed to go into the subject of "that" summer.
He started by asking me if I had kept in touch with any of the other people and then he told me about the ones he had kept in touch with. And then he went on to saying something like "when I saw your name on the list I really started to think of how one should be much more careful with what one does..." he did not say the words "I am sorry" but I took it as an apology. Then he went to say "well, It is not that I do not try to do things right, but sometimes things are stronger than one..." and then I decided to change the subject. I had his apologies and that was enough. Why did I change the subject? Well, because I was reminded that he had been in love with me....somehow the way he said those words made a conection between his actions and his feeling in my mind.
And I felt my heart fill with compassion...poor guy. Must have been hard.

Finally got home and I went onto doing my homework while mom went out with him for a cup of coffee. Despite the fact that he had apologized I continued to keep my distance. One day he sat at the same table I was sitting at during lunch. The topic became a bit polemical. And everybody got up and left. Not all at once, but it was very evident that it was as a result of the converstaion that everyone chose to do homework or something of the sort... I was hurt by the fact that he also got up and left. He was my parents disciple. Shouldn't he had backed me up?
I wrote to him a letter saying so.
Next day he asked me to have a talk. And he said something like "you sound so much like your dad" and I could feel his love for my dad. And then he went back to 23 years ago. "Remember your report on that mission trip?" (I didn't) "You pointed out that the pastor's wife spent time watching tv." and as he went on speaking...I began to see that he had deeply loved me.

After that I decided to keep him at a distance again. ja ja ja.
Poor guy.
I could tell that he was puzzled by my cold front again. Thing is this time I chose to move back because I felt my own heart being moved by the words that he spoke with so much love. I got scared. And as talked to a friend on the subject she told me "Bea, you have paid a high price to get to the place where you are. Do not be a fool. Get focused!" I will talk in more detail on this later. But I chose to obey and continued to keep clear. But since he was confused by my reaction. So I wrote and explained that I had forgiven him and that I thought he was a neat guy. But that I chose to back away because I did not want to fall in love with him.
He was real cool and respected my decision. As the days went by I felt deep healing. By his acceptence he was covering me with honor. He was saying "your opinion is important, so important that I shall respect you." wow
Then yesterday, last day of class, at the end of class he asked me to speak to me for 5 minutes. And he told me "I had not realized how much I had harmed you. And you say you have forgiven me, but I do not think it is right that you forgive me without truly apologizing. I want to tell you that I am sorry and I want you to forgive me."
BANG.
That was just so awesome! I managed to say that I truly had forgiven him. As we said good-by he reached out his hand. I shook it but still kept distant. As I returned home I could feel something ever so stong happening in my spirit, in my heart...in my woman's heart. Strong shower of honor and dignity. That is the best way to describe what I felt and as a result strenght came into my heart. Strength to be a woman and to enjoy being a woman.
As most women, I have had a hard time enjoying the fact that I am a woman. I have been dishonored in so many ways and in so many occasions that it is hard to see womanhood as something worthwhile having.
Now this man comes and apologizes. And I feel totally showered by honor, dignity and respect. And today I wake up feeling that being fragile is part of womanhood, but men can protect it and care for it...it they choose to do so. And it does not require all that much for them to do so. Yes, God's plan is Good.

Today I gave him another letter. A small note that said that I really appreciated his having honored me. I kept my distance during all the ceremony, but as I was about to leave he walked up to me and asked me to please say good-bye. We hugged good-bye. (mexican style). And it was a clean and pure hug.
It was good.
It was a hard month. But this is one of the memories I will keep close at hand. It is possible for men to honor women. And when done, women can relax and be fragile, and be women. Without fear of being used in anyway.
I think this is what God had in mind when he spoke of "your husband shall edify you"
It should be like this. And it is possible.

No I am not saying this guy will be my husband. We just got things straightened up. What I am saying is that my eyes were opened to the beauty of a man honoring a woman. Not only because it is "nice" but because of the effect that it has on the woman herself. Teh beauty of being able to say "being a woman is nice, I do not have to fear, this guy will care for me. He will not take advantage of me."
This is the way it should be.
This was God's intention.
This is why He saw Adam and Eve and said: it is good.

July

July was much more intense than I had ever imagined it would be so.
Since I applied for an intensive course in linguistics I thought that it would be nice and smooth, just sitting in class and enjoying the lessons.
Once more my plans have proved to be different than God´s plans.
It turned out to be a testing month.
Yes, I did receive linguistic lessons.
Yes, I did receive healing.
Yes, I got some life lessons.
But most of all I felt God was testing me...all the time

In my linguistic course I passed with an average of 9.2, 10 being the highest score. Not bad, huh?
I am not sure what my score was in my spiritual tests,. but I also passed!!!

Today we celebrated a graduation ceremony for the course.
Simultaneously I could feel that there was a graduation ceremony in heaven.

So I graduate and I knwo I am thrown out of collegue....now what?
I do not know.

One of the teachers asked me, "So what is next? What will you be doing now?"
I looked at her, smiled and simply answered "I have no idea."
She was quite surprised with the answer.
Who wouldn´t be?
But it is my answer. I have this strong feeling that my resting time is up. Please do keep me in your prayers as I begin to seek God´s instructions to what to do next.

BUT before I move into the next season, I do want to share some of the things I experienced this month. Some are very special.
I hope you enjoy this letters, and I hope you are allured into walking in God's way for you.

With love,
Bea Gasca